Dying to Self and The Cycle of Grief!

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind He will accept. When you think of what He has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don't copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is." Romans 12:1-2

As I was driving home this morning after dropping the kids off at school - I began to think of 'letting go' and what that really means. I am to cling to the Lord and stand firm in my faith; seek the Lord and pursue excellence (not perfection); pray for wisdom and acknowledge the Lord in all I do and many other Holy Spirit directed, God given disciplines and instructions ... yet, it's all about MY relationship with the Lord. There are other areas (many other areas - in fact - ALL of the other areas: relationships - family and friends, finances, addictions, plans for my own future and for my children, ministry, work, etc. etc. ) that I must 'let go' of and trust that God is in control and that He knows best and desires His best for me and everyone else.

When my eyes are taken off of the Lord, I tend to try and protect my own little self-made kingdom - with disastrous results. It occurred to me this morning that my reactions during these moments are really quite similar to The Grief Cycle that people will experience when a loved one is lost - except in this case, the loved one is my 'old' self! However, when we have an intimate relationship with Father, Son and Holy Spirit, The Grief Cycle is turned upside down and emptied out - then, we are filled up with HIM and life reflects the change in our hearts and minds! We reflect His glory and live NEW lives. This is such a timely revelation with EASTER approaching so quickly. Here's what I mean:

The Cycle Of Grief

Shock - People's first reaction is usually one of shock and complete disbelief. Shock affects people in different ways: everything can seem unreal; people can feel numb, withdrawn, detached; some people feel completely disorientated and don't know what to do with themselves. For some it is a nightmare they cannot escape. Many people quickly experience complex and confused feelings - anger, guilt, despair, emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I FELT THIS WAY WHEN LIFE DOES NOT GO AS I HAD PLANNED? WHEN CIRCUMSTANCES OUT OF MY CONTROL OCCUR, I LOSE MY DIRECTION AND REACT OUT OF MY SENSE OF LOSS 'OF CONTROL' . YET, WHEN I WAKE UP TO THE REALITY FOUND IN MY FAITH, I WAIT TO SEE HOW THE LORD WILL USE THESE CIRCUMSTANCES TO GROW MY CHARACTER, ANSWER A PRAYER OR CHANGE ME IN SOME WAY.

Denial - When the shock begins to wear off, many people go through a stage of denial during which they cannot accept the reality of the loss. This often involves what counsellors call searching behaviour, an attempt at some level to try to deny that the death has occurred. People often find themselves thinking they have seen or heard the dead person. Many people talk aloud to the person they have lost. Ah - this is where those old habits creep in! Trying to fill that void within using anything but the HOLY SPIRIT! I deny my need for grace and mercy and try to create a rule-filled existence that turns into full-fledged legalism! Thankfully, this NEVER works. I only end up frustrated and exhausted from trying to control the results of my efforts ... they have only ever been God's results - according to His perfect will! I cannot take credit for His work ... When these 'rules' don't work, my pendelum may swing to fullfledged rebellion - I try to use those habits from my 'old' life to bring some comfort ... this is where ADDICTIONS rear their ugly heads. (I've known Christians that try to deny their 'denial' by using the 'do not get drunk on wine' scripture - and they may not, praise God; but addictions can take many forms - spending, eating, seeking control within relationships ... whatever we use to self-soothe and simultaneously DENY our weaknesses.)

Anger And Guilt - It is common to experience anger, sometimes guilt and often both. Many people find themselves asking: "Why has this happened"? "Why me"? This is particularly so if the loss was sudden, unexpected or involved a tragic accident. Counsellors say that it is common to wish to find blame, either in ourselves, in others, or even with the person who has died, and this can lead to powerful feelings of anger and guilt. BLAME - deflecting blame unto someone else or their actions is a self-protection trick! Think about Adam and Eve! "Well - it was actually HER, God ... she asked me to!" "But it was that sneaky serpent, Lord! It's not MY fault!" Blame is just a symptom of ANGER - no matter where or to whom it is directed. ANGER denies the Lord's sovereignty while GUILT denies the provision of Jesus' sacrifice to bring us back to The Garden. I cannot deny that I get angry (I confess right now - I have a TEMPER!) Yet, when my relationship with God becomes more important that any circumstance or any other relationship on this earth, my desires change. Even though the short-term fix might be to blame someone for my anger - I DO NOT WANT TO GRIEVE MY LORD. Then, maturity kicks in (hopefully and more consistantly :0) and my anger is diffused.

Despair And Depression - In the first few weeks the whole situation may seem unbearable and in the months that follow, many people feel there is little purpose in life and nothing of interest in the outside world. People sometimes begin to question their own sanity and think that you are going mad. Counsellors advise that this is a common experience. There is nothing new under the sun! How often that scripture comes to mind. Of course life becomes unbearable without hope! How often I endured hopelessness before I new the Lord of my salvation! The Lord knew we needed HOPE and it is why HE LIVES!! The resurrection is our HOPE! There is nothing so bad that He cannot take our burdens and replace the heavy yoke of despair with FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE ... these are the freedom to obey, the knowledge of His sacrifice and resurrection and a willingness to take up our cross and follow Him even unto death (even if its just death to our 'old' selves!!)

Acceptance - Eventually people pass through the period of depression and begin to accept the loss. This usually happens with the passage of time and, as the pain eases, we are able to think about our loved one and recall the past without feelings of devastation. This can take up to a year or longer. Actually - I believe it takes MUCH longer ... my desire, however, is found in the amount of time between the acceptance of the death to my 'old' self to the rejoicing in my 'new' resurrected life! I believe that as I continue to be awakened to Christ's presence and as I mature in my faith, that this time will become shorter and shorter ...

I spent many summers of my youth on a farm of close family friends. What an eye opening experience this was for me! I was so naive to the 'ways of a farm' when I arrived - my heart was repeatedly broken as many of my 'animal friends' became ... I know it's harsh ... but, they became supper! :0( Despite the direction of these kind and generous friends to see the animals as provision and be thankful, I was, nevertheless, devestated at the loss of relationship! When I look back on this life lesson, I can connect it with the death to my 'old' self - I cannot 'make friends' with my 'old' self ... it is only a provision of existence that was intended to be used to bring 'new' life. Out of thankfulness, I freely give it to God and ask that He put to death my sinful nature and resurrect a life of the Spirit - in and through Him alone. No more grieving!

It is time to REJOICE and ANTICIPATE THE LORD'S RETURN!